I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
