Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
