You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
