Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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