My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
