i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
