Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
