just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
need another drink. this is the easiest way
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
