im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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