my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Dick very happy bro
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Randomize
