bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
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