Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize