he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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