I must be too annoying 4 u.
Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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