I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
