she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Randomize
