I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Randomize
