Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
