Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
