My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Randomize
