The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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