he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize