Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I think my moral compass just broke
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize