Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
