So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
