I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
