I cannot find my penis.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize