I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
