What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
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