If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
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