hotel room ftw
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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