Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
She's just so happy...and so naked.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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