dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
