I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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