i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
