life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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