last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
we're making bets on your personal life
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Randomize
