you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
