The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
