I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
