yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I am in a vortex of obligation.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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