Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
