If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Randomize
