Sponge bath it is.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
