I just threw up on my dentist
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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