I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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