The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
