Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Randomize
