is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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