whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
