the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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