when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
