man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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