I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
