Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Randomize
