i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
