you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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