Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
