I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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