she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
