Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
where are my eyebrows?
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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